Week 12 Recap

🦃 Rondy Royal Rumble — Week 12 Recap

It’s Thanksgiving week — a time to gather, give thanks, and gloss over a few hundred years of mass death and territorial theft.

Much like several fantasy managers this week, entire civilizations were steamrolled, and only a couple survived.

🏆 Weekly High Score

Jason woke up from his midseason coma and put up a number large enough to win the Weekly High Score, thanks mostly to Jahmyr Gibbs. Is he back? Maybe. Is his team still capable of falling apart without warning? Absolutely.

💀 Biggest Blowout

Still no change. Chad’s 74.7‑point massacre in Week 8 refuses to be dethroned, much like Americans refusing to acknowledge what Thanksgiving actually commemorates. But hey — leftovers!

🤏 A Win’s a Win

Also no change. Chad’s disgraceful 104‑point mud puddle of a win in Week 7 continues to set the standard for “technically a victory.”   A victory so ugly it should be talked about in history books, but definitely won’t be, because that would make us feel uncomfortable.

☠️ Survivor Pool

Chris gave it everything he had — a top‑3 scoring week and enough effort to make all his ancestors proud. But much like the tribes who extended kindness to early settlers, his generosity was rewarded with elimination.

We are down to Adam vs. Chad — a two‑week, cage‑match showdown based on combined Week 13 + 14 totals.

Winner gets to plant a flag in land they definitely didn’t earn, but will take anyway.

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🍗 Matchups

🏔️ Any Given Sundae vs. Man DIESEL

The battle of the #1 and #2 seeds — a clash atop the fantasy mountain, a showdown worthy of the Thanksgiving table’s head seat.

Adam came into this one cooking: 6 wins in his last 7, taking scalps like he was Chief Red Cloud.

Jalen Hurts delivered, Wan’Dale Robinson delivered (???), and Adam clinched the first playoff spot of the season.

Meanwhile, Chad’s entire season can be summed up like this:

• Josh Allen plays great → Chad wins

• Josh Allen plays like he’s still hungover from his bye week → Chad loses

  
  

The Bills got humiliated by Houston, Allen barely cracked 6 points, and Chad’s fate was sealed faster than a treaty with pilgrims.

Adam wins, clinches, and now looks down on the league like a colonial governor surveying “newly acquired land.”

🎪 The BIG Show vs. Tua-Tang Clan

Chris improves to 6–6 — not dominant, not terrifying, just stubbornly alive. He’s basically the Thanksgiving cranberry sauce: rarely impressive, but somehow always at the table.

JSN carried him again, and suddenly 4th place looks solid.

Matt, meanwhile, is collapsing like a peace agreement in the 1600s. Two straight losses. Hope running thin. This once-brave underdog is now one bad week away from becoming… historical footnote.

🦾 X Gon’ Gibbs It To Ya vs. Team Cady

Gibbs dropped 55 points, which in fantasy terms is the equivalent of a European ship landing on your coastline and saying:

“Nice place. Shame if someone… discovered it.”

Jason rides that explosion straight into 5th place and now has a clear playoff path.

Rob? He’s losing ground like territory during westward expansion — fast, violently, and with zero say in the matter.

Three straight losses. Momentum: stolen. Future: uncertain.

⚔️ Tua 3, 4 Concussions vs. nWo4LIFE

DJ refuses to die. He’s basically the final remnant of a once-great nation — outnumbered, outgunned, but powered by spite and Dak Prescott.

Andy, once 5–1 and strutting like a smug colonizer, now looks like someone whose crops failed and whose settlement is surrounded by symptoms of regression.

Only four double-digit scorers. Yikes.

DJ now sits tied with Matt by record and barely behind on Points For. He’s still last place……but the ground is finally shaking above him.

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🧮 Playoff Outlook — 3 Weeks Left

💀 The Longshots: DJ & Matt (Both 4–8)

They need:

• To win out (including… beating Adam and Chad in Week 14, lol)

• AND for Jason, Rob and Chris to both take multiple losses

• AND for the tiebreaks to fall perfectly

• AND for the league office to retroactively remove the first six weeks of the season

  
  

But here’s the MAIN issue:

⚠️ Week 14: Jason vs. Chris

DJ and Matt desperately need BOTH Jason and Chris to lose games. But in Week 14 they play each other — meaning one of them is guaranteed a win.

And because Chris has one more win than Jason, and a huge Points For advantage…

The ONLY mathematical path for DJ and Matt is:

Jason beats Chris in Week 14. No exceptions. No wiggle room. No fantasy miracles. No revisionist history.

If Chris wins that game? DJ and Matt are officially “extinct.”

🥧 The Favorites

🥇 Adam — Clinched

A comfy playoff berth, reclining like he just finished his fourth plate.

🥈 Chad — 99%

Not clinched, but it would take a disaster on the scale of European arrival to knock him out.

🥉 Andy — 88%

Still in good shape, but that Points For tiebreaker? It’s giving “fragile colony that could collapse at any moment.”

🧨 Chris — 73%

He’s in 4th place and fully controls his destiny. Win out, and he’s absolutely in.

But his ending schedule? Brutal. He plays Adam twice in three weeks — the fantasy equivalent of being on land the colonial powers took an interest in.

🥄 The Underdogs: Jason & Rob

Jason: 23% chance Rob: 13% chance

Jason has the Points For advantage and plays Chris in Week 14 — a true must win matchup that may open the door for him.

Rob? Let’s just say he needs divine intervention, a favorable whistle, and possibly a smallpox blanket sent to several opponents.

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🦃 Final Thoughts

It’s been a wild, unpredictable, occasionally painful season — which makes it a perfect companion to a holiday built on revisionist history, overeating, and arguing with your extended family about auto-pens and half-time shows.

Good luck to everyone in the home stretch.

May your teams feast, may your benches stay healthy, and may you not be the one getting carved up next week.